can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
