You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
