if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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