The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think my moral compass just broke
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
