I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
