I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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