hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
