He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
