Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
