Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
