dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
