yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
