I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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