I faked an abortion last night.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
