I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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