Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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