Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
