Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
