The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
