After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
