EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
