so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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