I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
