You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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