Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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