I just made out with a guy for $7.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
