If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
