why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Come on in and take your pants off
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