When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
