: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
