so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
