I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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