you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
