Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
