idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
