So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
