everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
