dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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