You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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