i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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