Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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