I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
