Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
