apparently the secret to your success is patron
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
