Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
