so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
