I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
