I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
