I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
