i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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